The Agent.

Or should him call him the most pretentious asshole I have ever met? This is the man that actually inspired my blog.  He was so bad, that it was like I had an out of body experience looking down at myself saying “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS A-HOLE?!?!?!?!?”

Lets back track a few days.  The agent was not someone I would normally go out with, but he reeled me in with his witty comments and Don Draper hair.  I should have known.  I was actually looking forward to going out with this guy, considering the first time we actually chatted, our phone conversation lasted a whopping 3 hours.  Well was I ever wrong.  Again.

The day he asked to hang out with me, He told me to get dressed up, because he wanted to take me out for a nice dinner to celebrate some huge work stuff.  First off, he picks me up, and as soon as I get into his truck, he gives me the most obvious once over, making sure I’m not a total dog.  Do I not look put together enough for you? Go fuck yourself, I look fucking amazing you twat.  Secondly, he interrupted me 5 minutes into me getting into the car to proceed to make a phone call to ask his friend where we should go, but then decides he doesn’t want to take me there because its too expensive.  I think he forgot that I was sitting right next to him and was totally taken aback when I told him to just take me to Denny’s.  Also, that bluetooth headset you have on makes you look like a fucking idiot.   Anyways, after the fact that he tells me to get all dressed up, we end up going for sushi at the most hipster joint ever.  I have no problem going to a place like that, but when I am dressed for somewhere a little more fancy, I stick out like a sore thumb.  Thanks.  So anyways, at this point, I am a little annoyed, but I am a positive person and was willing to look past these not so pleasant moments.  Strike three happens.  He made fun of my order.  I’m sorry, I don’t feel like ordering all the deep fried sushi you did.  I want something with vegetables and healthy, so fuck right off.

At this point, I am several drinks in and wanting to just leave, but I am polite and continue on with the date.  I should mention, that the entire date, he keeps talking about how he just signed a $30,000 TV deal and keeps name dropping the most D-list celebs in effort to try and impress me.  It failed.  You look like a fucking dumbass.

At this point, there was no salvation.  I did try and carry on conversation  but clearly, he didn’t like that.  I mentioned how I was very excited that my work is sending me to NYC for bumble and bumble training, so he takes that as an opportunity to tell me about a client who posed topless and tweeted her fucking tits to the latest sports illustrated cover model, which caused all this uproar and everyone wanted a piece of her, so much that Anderson Coopers people were calling him to hear about this fucking girl who showed her fucking tits.  DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS ON A FUCKING DATE? REALLY? THIS IS THE WORST DATE EVER AND I HATE YOU AND WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT. ALSO GET RID OF THE BLOODY BLUETOOTH!!!!!!!!

I just smiled and responded “oh wow that’s crazy” with less enthusiasm that I could even try and fake.

can I please go home now?  apparently not.

He decided to tell me, again, thinking that again, this was appropriate first date conversation, that he smokes pot any waking hour that he’s not working.  wow. I really want to date you.  Please tell me more about topless woman and smoking weed.  Please, I beg of you, its all I’ve been wanting to hear all day.  Go fuck yourself

This concludes the worlds worst date of last week.

no way jose and raj.

go away.  seriously.  please just go away.

Now this one I think is just funny.  I didn’t even go out with these ding dongs and they bloody would NOT leave me alone.  I wasn’t even planning on even mentioning these gems, but low and behold, no way jose pops right up again.  I swear that little man is like a fucking gremlin and I cant seem to get rid of him.  Now if anyone has tried the magical land of internet dating and just regular dating in general, you know, you don’t always have chemistry with someone and the proper thing is to let them know and hopefully they take the hint.  key word: hopefully.  Not in this case.  I will give this guy some credit, he’s pretty funny, but after talking to him, I knew there was nothing there and when I tried to tell him, he kept hanging on for dear life.  Then if I didn’t respond, he’d tell me how horrible I am and how I am missing out? Do you honestly think I’d want to date you after all that? Apparently so.  Well anyways, after weeks of me pretty much telling this character that I wasn’t interested,  literally saying ” I DON’T LIKE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE” he just kept trying and failing. Funny thing, he popped up again today and all I could think was “oh fuck not again.  Seriously, take a hint by your screen name and understand the meaning of “no way, jose”

 

Raj.  Oh Raj.  needy needy oh so annoying Raj. When someone texts me 10 times in 20 minutes asking me why I’m not replying and when they can see me and telling me how wonderful I am, I think its obvious you are killing your chances of ever hanging out with me.  Also, its probably not a good idea that you told me that you told your entire family about me and wanted me to be your girlfriend before we even met.  Its also not a good idea, that you don’t tell me travel plans you have for us before we even met.  STOP PLANNING OUR FUCKING LIFE TOGETHER BEFORE WE EVEN MET!!! ARE YOU A GIRL? Seriously.  This was another one who just didn’t get it.  I had to channel my inner bitch and by inner bitch, I just had to be myself and tell him to fuck off and leave me alone.  Even after me being a total ass to this one, he still tells me I’m awesome, which I am, you didn’t need to tell me what I already knew.  K thanks.  

 

online dating = Lives at home, doesnt pay and divorced

online dating.  what a thing that it is.

After I broke up with tight pants, I thought I would venture into the world of online dating.  Afterall, thats where I met my last two boyfriends and thought maybe this time I’d find someone worth my while.  Well it hasnt happened yet, but Ive sure found some guys unoworthy of my time along the way.  Let me paraphrase the winners (or should I call them losers) of 2012.

Lives at home:

This guy was the first guy I “dated” after tight pants.  Let me tell you, he was quite the character.  First off, turns out he was first cousins with a former best friend of mine, which on any account would be awkward.  Coming from me, being the worlds most awkward girl, it was ultra awkward.  Plus he was lactose intolerant and if anyone knows me, they know how much I love cheese.  It was a shoe in that it would never work.  So quickly into meeting this winner, it turns out he was 28 years old, lived at home, didnt pay rent and had no desire to move out of his beloved mothers home.  I know, your’re asking yourself how I let this one out of my grips.  NOT.  So the moment I knew it would NEVER work, besides his lack of love of cheese, was when I told him how much I love Notorious B.I.G. and the Beatles and he looked at me like I was telling him I was a addicted to every drug ever known to man.  Come one, who doesnt like the Beatles? He must of been dropped as a baby, cause the Beatles are the best band that ever was.  So anyways, long story short, our love story could never be, the lack of love of  cheese and the beatles was too much for me to handle, so it had to end.

Doesnt Pay:

Ok so this guy was a real charmer. And by real charmer, I mean real ass.  This character asked me out after a couple of weeks of texting. It seemed like there was some sort of chemistry there, but again, I was fooled by the art of a witty text message.  This guy, asks me out to meet him at the cheapest pub ever known to man, right after im off work.  So naturally, im 10 minutes late, because I want to run home and make sure Im not looking like a total hobo.  

“oh you’re 10 minutes late.  thats really lame”

SERIOUSLY? You get mad at me for wanting to look half decent after a day of making people pretty? thanks.

Anywho, worst date, he was boring and had the worst receding hairline ever.  When the waitress came to ask if we wanted our bill (oh and ps let me tell you, this was my old watering hole and I am a familiar face there. Also,  the entire menu is $4.95 and beer is $4) So anyways, when then waitress comes, he tells her he just wants his bill.  I remember the waitress looking at me like “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?”  

its ok, I can afford to pay for my $5 burger and $4 beer.  thanks.

The Divorcee:

Oh jeeze.  This guy was a real doozy.  35, no job and divorced.  I know you’re wondering how I let this one get out of my grasp. For some reason, which at this point is unknown to me, I agreed to go on a date.  Talk about awkward.  Please dont talk to me about your ex wife and why it didnt work and why you dont have a job.  please.  Anywho, after much more awkwardness, the server brings the bill.  This guy actually looks at me and says “oh ya you probably make way more money than me, so you can help me pay right?” cool.  

I think I need to drink less when I go on dates, cause I somehow convinced myself that this was apparently not a bad thing.  He asked if he could call me again, I said “sure, cant wait to hear from you.”  Fuck.

I have never, in my entire life, received the most needy and ridiculous texts than I did from this guy.  For about a week after, I kept getting texts saying how much he liked and how pretty he thought I was, but how he liked another girl,  even though she said she didnt like him and he didnt know what to do.  GET OVER IT, THATS WHAT YOU DO YOU IDIOT!  Basically, I had to tell this guy to go to therapy and stop texting me, cause who needs that? not me.  

That concludes the dating fiascos of 2012.  Maybe 2013 has some turn around? who knows?

How it all began

Let me start off by introducing myself.  I am a 26 year old, successful single girl.  I have an amazing job, amazing friends, wicked sense of humour and my own apartment.  Plus I can make the best lasagne in the entire world.  What’s not to love? 

I thought I had found him, I thought I was done.  I thought wrong.  Lets back track to July.  After 2 years of dating the ultimate Mr.Wrong, I  decided to walk away after months of fighting and wondering why he always wore his pants so tight? I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am a catch. I am a total babe, why this guy let me go, is beyond me. oh well.  

I didn’t really know what to expect from ending that relationship, except that now it was time for me to start thinking for myself and to make a concious effort to never date a grown man who dresses like a 15 year old boy.  

This is my story of how I ventured out into the single world, trying to survive with only my girlfriends and a trusty old box of wine.